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Battling The Guilt

19/11/2015

 

Ever since I gave birth to my second son, I have been fighting this guilty tug of war that creeps up on me every night. The feeling of being a horrible mother because I cant seem to find time for my older son. Between latching, diaper changing, rocking my newborn to sleep and being milked by my breastpumps, I barely have any sanity of myself left to do anything.

I used to pack my toddler's days with fun activities, sensory play and sessions of story telling or book reading but now the only time I am spending with him is giving him his daily bath and making sure he eats his meals. Yet if I were to slip in an activity, my guilt sets in for the younger son.

Charles (toddler) never had to stare into space all alone when he was an infant, I was always with him, entertaining him. Poor Mikhail (infant).

There it goes again, this never-ending battle inside my head. Somedays I just joke about possible splitting myself in two. Other days, well, I'll just silently wish nobody will notice how much im struggling inside. Its always the nights, as I stare at my toddler while he is asleep that I will promise to make it up to him tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will plan a playdate. Tomorrow I will plan activities.
Tomorrow I will bring out the craft materials.
Tomorrow I will read you that book till the end.
But wait.

Tomorrow your little brother is still but a little baby and he needs his milk and diapers changed. Mummy needs to be milked or her chest starts turning into rocks and that wont do either. Who's going to rock little Mikhail to sleep? Or make cooing noises when he is awake?

And the battle goes on..

Written By: Calista Volkov
From: Rise & Shine Mother's Panel

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